Family Business
by fowo
Summary: Crocodile is an introvert, Doflamingo is an extrovert, what can POSSIBLY go wrong when Doflamingo has a curious proposition?
1. Chapter 1

Doflamingo swept in like he owned the place. "I'm sorry I'm late!" he cooed, stepping down from the window sill into the conference room. The look on the marines' faces were worth every minute he'd dawdled. Not that he cared for being punctual in the first place.

He quickly glanced around the room and at the people sitting around the table: Kuma was there like the loyal dog he was, Mihawk apparently was bored enough to show his face too, Moria loomed over the others (and himself) like a fucking mountain. The Pirate Empress was absent but that was hardly surprising. And he'd heard that the Marines had made a fishman a Shichibukai too, so with the blue face, it wasn't hard to figure out Jinbe.

That left another face yet. Not unacquainted, either.

"Doflamingo," Sengoku said, cautiously. "Thank you for coming."

"No biggie! I felt like taking a stroll anyway," Doflamingo chirped, smiling when he sat down, not taking his eyes off the brooding figure opposite his chair at the table. He heard Sengoku introduce him to Jinbe and the fishman politely saying some thing or other in return. He might have even offered a reply, but his mind was elsewhere.

"And the last addition to the Shichibukai is, as of now... Sir Crocodile," Sengoku's voice reached his ears eventually, and the name got him back down to earth.

"Oh, we've met," Doflamingo cooed, his grin widening.

Crocodile had the perfect poker face when he plucked his cigar from his lips, exhaling. "Can't seem to remember," he retorted. "And I usually don't forget a face. "

Doflamingo laughed. "Yeah, you didn't see my face much, I'll give you that." He nearly frolicked when the reptile almost broke his cigar in two at the remark.

But the hint was lost on the others, and Sengoku began the meeting. Doflamingo didn't pay attention _at all_, and while Crocodile made sure their gazes never met, he knew exactly what was going through the man's mind. Memories of his name whispered to the back of his neck, fingers across his body, his scars, groans muffled by a pair of dangerously smiling lips, eyes shimmering even in the absence of light. They were fond memories to Doflamingo, and because they were replaced by newer ones every now and then, he knew it was the same for Crocodile, even if the man liked to play pretend.

Oh yes, Loguetown had been a long time ago, but it had started off more than one era. Crocodile was well aware of that. Having the damned bird across from him now, smiling like a maniac was bemusing, to say the least. He had _no_ level of decency. _Especially_ with other people around.

Of course he'd known that Doflamingo was a Shichibukai when he accepted the Marine's proposal. The fact of him basically _bullying_ the world government into to giving him the title was only a rumor, but not so hard to imagine when you looked a little at the man's past. Crocodile actually felt a little sore. Way, way back on that fateful night that marked the death of the Pirate King and the beginning of the Great Era of Pirates, he had met Doflamingo for the first time. They were both so much _younger_ than today, nothing more than rookies back then. Sure, they had made a name for themselves already; Crocodile himself hardly remembered the name he'd been given at birth, solely called Crocodile now for the scar across his face. With the hushed Sir before his name, he was glad never to be anyone else ever again. And he'd heard things about Doflamingo, that flamboyant bastard; whispers of patricide, but only after they'd... _met_... did he take over Dressrosa as the rightful king. Well, it was his birthright, wasn't it, with him being a Donquixote—had Crocodile known beforehand...

Even with the various _encounters_ that had followed over the years to follow, it always was an exception, and he _knew_ the damn flamingo thought the same. But why then did he keep on _staring_ at him like that?!

He duly noted he'd been smoking non stop during the entire meeting and as soon as Sengoku would let them go, he got up and rushed out of the door, sand dancing behind him and following his steps.

He made it out of the building and down to the harbor where his ship was anchored before the sound of feathers caught up to him.

"No!" he barked before Doflamingo even landed. "Whatever it is, I decline!"

"So you don't want me to leave? That's a new one!" Doflamingo smiled at him broadly, but keeping his distance for now, if only to take in the rather impressive figure before him. He was a tall man and used to speaking to people at the height of his waistline, but Crocodile was actually almost on level. The fifty centimeters he was missing on him was just a petty little sixth to him. The last time he'd seen him, Crocodile had already been wearing suit and tie and that hadn't changed, although the fabrics seemed to have become even a little more expensive; wool discarded for cashmere, cotton for silk. The rings on his fingers were bigger, the gemstones rarer, the cigars more luxurious. Overall, he'd aged quite well.

"Looking good, my dear crocodile man," he said and went for a hug that Crocodile evaded with a finesse that had been trained on occasion.

"Can't say the same about you," he answered, frowning at the ridiculous clothes the damned bird was wearing.

"Oh, this? Aw. Let's blame it on different cultural heritage, shall we? It's quite, how would you put it, en vogue in Dressrosa."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Doflamingo laughed. "Well, dear Crocodile—"

"—that's _Sir_ to you—"

"—we're fellow businessmen now, aren't we? I propose a meeting to go over our work. "

"I don't work with anybody," Crocodile said, turning to leave, but with the swiftness of a hummingbird, Doflamingo cut off his path to the ship.

"Of course not," he said. "But I have a proposal I know you'd very much like to hear."

Against his will, Crocodile hesitated. "... go on."

"Aw, what, here? On the wharf? Like a common, lowlife sailor? That is below you, my dear reptile. No no, let me treat you tonight! I'll pamper you in my fashion."

"I'd rather not be pampered in your fashion," Crocodile said, not even bothering to hide his recurrent disdainful look at Doflamingo's pink feather coat.

"Eager, aren't we? Don't worry, I can take it all off again as soon as we're behind closed doors. Or is that something you'd fancy doing like a lowlife sailor on the wharf as well?"

Crocodile's expression remained level despite a gentle flaring of his nostrils. Doflamingo was impressed. Usually, he would get annoyed pretty easily whenever Doflamingo would so much as _hint_ at something vaguely sexual between them. But now, he just barely rolled his eyes.

"I don't think Marineford—" he began, but Doflamingo chirruped dismissively.

"Nonsense. You're coming with me to Dressrosa."

"I don't—" Crocodile started again, but the Eternal Pose Doflamingo basically _shoved_ in his face interrupted him yet again.

"Oh, I know you wouldn't travel with _me_ if your life depended on it. It's about a nine hour journey from here. You would be just in time for dinner." Behind the ridiculous shades, Crocodile thought he caught a glimpse of a pleading look. Doflamingo's smile seemed to fray a little at the edges. Crocodile frowned.

"Well," he said, very low and slowly, hand adjusting his coat, staring at a point somewhere behind Doflamingo. "I was gonna head for the New World anyway, so I _guess_ it's not too much of a detour."

Crocodile could've sworn the corners of Doflamingo's mouth shook hands at the back of his head with the next smile. It was positively frightening and he took a little step backwards before Doflamingo reached for his right wrist, placing the Eternal Pose in his hands and closing his fingers around it with his own. The touch was a little too intimate for Crocodile, who took another step backwards, sliding the Eternal Pose into a pocket of his coat with a little clearing of the throat.

Doflamingo chuckled at him but backed off a little. "Swell," he said, arching his head a little forward, giving him the impression of a curious bird even more than to begin with. "I'm looking forward to it. Have a safe journey, my dear reptile." He flashed him another smile, then raised his hands and stepped right into the air. Crocodile watched as he ascended, seemingly lightweight as a feather, soon nothing more than a swaying dot at the horizon.

He sighed, took the Eternal Pose from his pocket again and watched for a while how the needle pointed without shaking even a little at the direction Doflamingo had vanished to. For a second he wondered if that was of higher significance, but then scolded himself for such stupid thoughts, shook his head and went to inform his crew of the course to take.

* * *

><p>AN: I hope you enjoyed reading! This is mostly a finger exercise, so it's going to be fluff and crack and just these two throwing dialogues at each other, whichg I really need between writing horrible porn with disgusting old men and all the unhealthy relationship fic I write for them so bear with me.<p>

Thanks to my beta Mme Baroqudile for this one. /throws kisses


	2. Chapter 2

It was even before dinner when they weighed anchor at Dressrosa, especially so since the residents were wont to eat late. The weather was nice, and it was still light out. Crocodile leaned on the starboard railing, idly smoking as he watched the port for a while, noting his men were eager to go ashore. It was a luxurious island, so Crocodile really couldn't blame them: Dressrosa was renowned for its cuisine, entertainment and women. The toys that merged into the scenery certainly were unusual enough, as well. Crocodile wondered if he could ask Doflamingo what was up with that, but he figured he shouldn't.

He had changed clothes since the departure from Marineford earlier this morning, from a dark, strict outfit he thought was fitting for a meeting amongst the Shichibukai to something no less expensive and noble, but more casual anyway. Although he told himself it was because of the different climate between there and here, he knew it was partly because he was actually a little nervous about what to expect. Doflamingo had been wooing him for years and whenever Crocodile had given in, it had been on neutral ground. Tonight was different. It dawned on him that it had been a stupid idea to come here, but it was probably too late to turn back now.

He noticed he was restlessly turning the ring on his pinky with his thumb and quickly pushed his hand into the pocket of his dress pants. He made sure someone was on watch and everyone had their orders, then went down the strake to the wharf.

Doflamingo was not hard to spot, pink feathers, _disgustingly_ annoying grin and all. He was standing amongst a bunch of common folk, irritation with his underlings growing by the second, obvious by the way his grin only seemed to grow wider and wider. When he saw Crocodile idly approaching, he pushed through the crowd. With their king and another Shichibukai present, the people scattered, only to stop at a safe distance and keep watching to see what would happen.

Crocodile took Doflamingo in head to toe and flicked ash off his cigar to the ground. "Really," he said, left eyebrow lifted, and waved dismissively at the enormous bouquet of red roses and daisies Doflamingo was carrying.

"Hmm?" Doflamingo said cheerfully and looked down to his hands as if he wasn't aware of the flowers. "Oh, that? Don't worry, these aren't for you."

Crocodile jerked a little and felt his face light up, the scar tissue on his cheeks burning white against a blush. Doflamingo burst out into laughter and Crocodile was close to turning on his heel and going back to the ship and _leaving_, but Doflamingo pulled him close when he laid an arm around his shoulders. "Shoulda said you like flowers, dear reptile," he said.

"I don't—" Crocodile started to say, but didn't know how to continue, puffing on his cigar and exhaling the smoke with a hiss. "Look, let's just... get this over with."

"Right down to business, hm? But right you are, let's get going. You need to meet the family after all!" Doflamingo's stupid smile didn't fade and before Crocodile could wonder what _that_ was supposed to mean—a family?! The man wasn't married, was he?! For the love of... was there a _wife_?! But Crocodile had always thought he was... _Well_... Wasn't he?! At least they had...! How could he then...!—Doflamingo tugged at his shoulders and made Crocodile tag along on his way to the royal palace.

* * *

><p>The palace was enormous. Crocodile was well accustomed to luxurious accommodation, but he was impressed against his will. This was something totally out of his own league, as little as he was going to admit that to Doflamingo's face. He glanced up to the ceiling, taking in the stunning frescoes, the colorful jacquard drapes around the high, giant windows, the carpet under his feet that made his shoes look <em>cheap<em>. "So this is how a king lives, is it," he said, voice a little raspier than he would have liked.

"It's decent, don't you think? Of course I had to rearrange a few things after I moved in. But it'll do." Doflamingo was leading the way through the hallways. Crocodile saw no security whatsoever, but that probably wasn't necessary. He was sure that nobody could as much as breathe in Dressrosa without Doflamingo knowing about it. He was still very upset about there being a _family_ involved, and how nonchalantly Doflamingo seemed to ignore the obvious issue that came with it. Was he going to pretend Crocodile was really nothing more than a _business partner_? ... Which was all he was, obviously, but...! Ugh, this was frustrating. With every step they took, Crocodile regretted coming over more and more. How foolish he had been, and how ridiculous of Doflamingo to invite him over! Did he really not see how ugly this was going to turn out? He needed to end this, and soon. Logue Town should never have happened after all.

"Oi, Vergo," Doflamingo called out when they took a turn around a corner, leaving the palace for a garden. There were toys—inanimate, not the kind like around the city, mere children's playthings—sprawled on the floor, he heard the excited screaming and bickering of kids, and Crocodile felt his heart sink even more. Not only a wife, but now offspring, too? He inhaled his tobacco deeply to calm his nerves.

"Over here!" a male voice called back.

Doflamingo carelessly kicked a few cars and dolls out of the way as they approached a patio by a large pool. The water splashed, accompanied by the yelling of children, and when they walked around a few bushes that guarded the pool from sight, there were a bunch of kids, all of them secured with swim rings. There was a small girl with short turquoise hair in a pink swimsuit standing at the edge to the pool, obviously too afraid to jump in to join another young girl in the water with long black hair and a white ribbon, hanging wet from her ponytail. She was screaming as a blond boy splashed her with water. None of them looked very much alike. None of them looked like Doflamingo, either. Things were getting curiouser and curiouser.

On the couch by the poolside sat a man around their age, clad in a marine uniform, as Crocodile was surprised to see. Of course Doflamingo was a Shichibukai, but he knew neither of them had high opinions of the Marines. By his side sat a woman with a short green bob, still young enough to be Doflamingo's daughter, her eyes concealed by thick glasses. Both rose when Doflamingo approached.

"Doffy, it's good to see you," the marine said, embracing Doflamingo cordially. They exchanged kisses to both cheeks which made Crocodile uncomfortable by just watching.

"I'm so glad you could make it, Vergo," Doflamingo said with an honest smile, patting the man on the back. "It's an important day for the family."

"Young Master," the woman said, smiling a little sheepishly.

"Monet, my dear." Doflamingo turned to her, embracing her exactly as the man before with a quick kiss to both cheeks, before handing her the ridiculously huge bouquet of flowers. "These are for you. Keep them close, you have competition for them." He smiled at Crocodile who stood behind, trying to understand the scene and what it all meant. He was glad he didn't get to speak, though, because the arrival of Doflamingo had lured the kids away from the pool, running over at full speed and clinging to his legs.

"Young Master! Welcome back!" — "Dellinger splashed water at me, Young Master!" — "Baby 5 said I was a coward for not wanting to jump in!" — "I found a beetle!" — "You didn't, I did!" — "Nuh-uh!" — "Uh-huh!" — "Young Master, Sugar said you said she's your favorite, that's a lie, right?" — "But I am!"

"Easy there, easy," Doflamingo laughed, taking up the smallest girl with the turquoise hair in his arms so she could sit on his shoulders. "Don't fight over things like that. You're all equally dear to me, and you know it."

"Doffy, so this is...?" the marine said with a clearing of his throat.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Everybody, this is the Royal Shichibukai Sir Crocodile. He and I go way back and I want everybody to see him as part of the family." He turned to smile at Crocodile who tried to return it but felt his lips grimacing instead. "Croc, meet Captain Vergo, my left hand."

Crocodile reached out his hand as politely as he could under the circumstances and saw his life flash past his eyes when the marine took his hand and pulled him close to—oh dear, oh no, no please, don't—put a soft soft kiss on both his cheeks. They barely touched at all but Crocodile was ready to die then and there, wishing lighting to strike where he stood and just end it all.

"And this is Monet," Doflamingo carried on, ignoring the little girl climbing all over his head and nearly kicking off his shades with her naked feet.

"A pleasure to meet you, Sir," Monet said, repeating what Crocodile anticipated with almost existential fear: a kiss to both cheeks. With her being a young lady he didn't feel quite as weirded out as before with Vergo, but he still would have preferred to turn into dust and vanish from this world.

He hoped to have survived by then because the kids were obviously, well, only children, but the girl with the long black hair, dressed in a promiscuous bikini although her figure wasn't very mature yet came to his side, tugging at his coat.

"I'm Baby 5!" she exclaimed excitedly, her face flushed a bright red. From the corner of his eye, Crocodile could see Doflamingo flinch and open his mouth, but the girl was faster: "You need to bow down!"

The situation was too much for Crocodile to handle and before he even realized what he was doing, he was bending down toward her so that she, too, could place kisses on his face. Unlike than the adults, hers were actual kisses, wet and loud on his skin, and he winced visibly when she parted with a smack. He looked up to Doflamingo pleadingly, asking for an explanation, or maybe just a mercy killing, but Doflamingo obviously had worries of his own.

"Baby 5—" he started to say, trying to catch the girl's arm.

"I kissed him! Does that mean he likes me? Young Master! Can I marry him?"

"Baby 5, no, wait, calm down," Doflamingo sighed, but the girl was already running away with a squeal, her face almost as pink as Doflamingo's coat.

"I'll go after her, " Monet said with a chuckle.

"Thank you, dear," Doflamingo sighed, plucking the girl from his shoulders and handing her to Monet as well. "Make sure they dry up properly and wash their hands before dinner, alright?"

"Yes, Young Master." Monet bowed a little before collecting the blond boy and heading off after Baby 5.

"Those were Sugar and Dellinger. Sugar isn't keen on strangers and Dellinger has a hard time with the girls sometimes. I had another boy, but, ah, that didn't end well. I wonder how he's doing... Anyway. Baby 5 tries to act all grown up, but she's still just my little baby girl... I hope she grows out of her frenzy, she wants to marry every man she meets at the moment." Doflamingo smiled at Crocodile who felt more and more like he was sailing a ship into a hurricane with no way to get off.

"I... see," he said weakly.

"Doffy, you said something about an important change to the family," Vergo interrupted, but Doflamingo smacked his tongue at him.

"Over dinner, Vergo, not now. I still need to show Croc the palace and introduce him to the others."

Dear heavens. There was more? Crocodile felt weak in his knees when Doflamingo put his arm around him again and lead the way back to the palace. Vergo followed with some discretion. Crocodile glanced back at him, feeling uncomfortable and watched, so he just barely hissed past clenched teeth, "You really need to explain what the _fuck_ is going on here, Doflamingo."

"Hmm? What, I'm just introducing you to my family. What do you think is going on?" Doflamingo looked down to him, honest confusion across his face, smile gone for a second.

"Yes, but—how is this your family? I don't understand..."

"Oh, well, the Donquixote Pirates, you see—"

Crocodile stopped so abruptly Doflamingo almost fell over. "This is your _crew_?!"

"Well, yes." Doflamingo looked at him, puzzled, but the smile returned quickly to his lips. "What did you think, me having a _wife_ and a bunch'a kids to inherit the throne? Come on."

"Well, I..." He what? He didn't even know anymore. Would this nightmare never end? Crocodile felt like he'd made a complete fool out of himself. First by being worried about that there might be a wife involved who... ugh, who Doflamingo would have cheated on, most likely, with _him_? And him not knowing about it, too! The thought alone was making him sick to his stomach. And secondly, by not realizing that the mere thought was, of course, total and utter nonsense. Of course there would not be a _wife_, every woman right in her mind would never even get close to him, king or not. Admittedly, that should count for men as well—and thus Crocodile. _What_ was he doing here anyway? Not for the first time that evening, Crocodile wished to simply vanish from this earth. He pinched the bridge of his nose with thumb and middle finger and let out a long sigh. "Couldn't you have said so in the first place?"

Doflamingo laughed at him, without mockery. "What, did you get scared for a second there? Aww, my dearest reptile. You know I only have eyes for you."

"_Don't_ start with that." Taking the anger he felt at his own foolishness and directing it at Doflamingo, he brushed off his hands with the hook and shot him a venomous look. Well, at least being angry at Doflamingo was a well-acquainted feeling, other than... _whatever_ it was he had felt before. He was glad it was gone. Anger he could handle.

"Live and learn, huh? I had no idea you were the jealous type." Doflamingo seemed to enjoy himself, only pouring oil into the fire.

"Jealous of what now?!" hissed Crocodile, cautious to keep his voice down because he remembered Vergo's presence. "I came here because you spoke of business, and if you don't meet your ends I might as well just leave again! I have no time to waste on your antics."

"Now, now, listen here, Crocodile." At the mention of his name from someone who usually preferred to annoy him with stupid nicknames, Crocodile stopped in his tracks. Doflamingo lowered his head down to Crocodile's height, towering over him. Crocodile wanted to take a step backwards against the intimidating move, but Doflamingo reached for his arm. The grip was painful, and Crocodile flashed him his gritted teeth. "Family," Doflamingo said, voice dangerously low, "is never—_never_—a waste of time. Do we have an understanding?"

Crocodile stared into these _eyes_ behind the shades and Doflamingo only glared back for the better of almost a minute before Crocodile violently freed himself from Doflamingo's grip, deciding that this was no battle he was prepared to fight. "Fine, whatever," he snarled, a little weaker than he would have liked.

Doflamingo's face lit up again. "Good," he said cheerfully. His voice, though, made it clear that this was no laughing matter at all and he would not overlook it if Crocodile dared to insult his family ever again. "Come this way, Trébol and Diamante should be around here somewhere." Doflamingo led the way up a staircase, Crocodile followed, Vergo always a few meters behind them. Their obedient, silent stalker crept Crocodile out.

"So, how many crew mates do you have," Crocodile said, without really caring, only to have something to talk about.

"Family members, you mean," Doflamingo corrected without hesitation. Crocodile dared to roll his eyes, which Doflamingo apparently didn't see. "Well, three executives, as of now, that's Trébol, Diamante and Pica. Monet and Vergo are special, though. Then there's the kids and a few others. Don't worry, you'll met them all eventually, we're going to have dinner soon and if I don't manage to locate a few before that—" he gestured at the gigantic palace at whole, "—then you'll see them then."

"Great," Crocodile said, and he didn't mean it in the least.


End file.
